Chasing the Squirrels

21 May 2020

Mine this morning, is a simple proposal for an addition to our handy lexicon of phrases that are shorthand for emotional states, think “carrying the weight of the word” on his or her shoulders.  I think chasing the squirrels would be a good addition to such turns of speech as, “He’s a ray of freak’n sunshine” and “Watch out, she’s nine miles of bad road.” 

Okay so what do I mean by chasing the squirrels?  Well, let me give you the real-world example of chasing the squirrels.  I live in a neighborhood where people are affluent enough to take time out of their lives to feed the birds.  These folks like to look out their windows in the early a.m. and look at the hummingbirds hitting their special feeders.  They also love to listen to and watch the songbirds that have returned in this pandemic.

My neighbors love their winged friends so much that they want to make sure that bird food they bought at special supply stores (I kid you not we have a place called Wild Birds Unlimited that provides specialized wild bird foods,) from falling into the hands of our brown, black and grey squirrel populations.  Many, and I mean a whole lot of these folks buy specialized squirrel proof bird feeders and hang them outsides of their homes.  

Squirrels eat any bird feeder marked ‘Squirrel Proof’ for breakfast and then spit them out.  I am serious.  There are all sorts of patented designs in my neighborhood hanging supposedly squirrel proof. Nothing tickles my funny bone more than watching a squirrel hang upside down part ways squeezed through a tiny hole, with its body serpentine through various barriers designed to bar it access to bird seed, just feasting on grains and sunflower seeds. When the patented ‘Squirrel Proof” contraptions fail my neighbors go primal.

Yesterday, one of my neighbors was shouting and making a ruckus as I passed by her on my neighborhood walk.  She was using those tones a first-grade teacher does to try and stop a six-year-old dead in their tracks. Took me a second but I quickly figured out she was scolding a squirrel for eating bird seed.  When the tone did not work, she began waiving her hands about and started yelling in earnest in the direction of the bird feeder.  She even began a false change, much like a black bear does, to warn the squirrel to back off.  The display of temporary Tourette’s Syndrome abated and the squirrel kept on munching. For all the energy expended my neighbor changed nothing in the situation.

So, I assert this vigorous anti-squirrel dance is the prime example of chasing the squirrels, that is throwing a highly emotional response at an intractable problem that we have no chance of solving. Think telling a teen to stop playing those damn video games.  Think waving at cars speeding through your residential neighborhood. Think trying to convince and old friend of the correctness of your political party and beliefs in these times when the friend has demonstrated a strong affinity for the other colored laundry, be it red or blue.

Oh, how much time I have spent chasing squirrels. I think that as idioms go, chasing squirrels is a fine one.

Today's songs are songs replete with as many cliches as possible. Both are older, but both of them are fun