Trump & My Exile From Main Street

“You can't go back home to your family, back home to your childhood, back home to romantic love, back home to a young man's dreams of glory and of fame, back home to exile, to escape to Europe and some foreign land, back home to lyricism, to singing just for singing's sake, back home to aestheticism, to one's youthful idea of 'the artist' and the all-sufficiency of 'art' and 'beauty' and 'love,' back home to the ivory tower, back home to places in the country, to the cottage in Bermude, away from all the strife and conflict of the world, back home to the father you have lost and have been looking for, back home to someone who can help you, save you, ease the burden for you, back home to the old forms and systems of things which once seemed everlasting but which are changing all the time--back home to the escapes of Time and Memory.”

Thomas Wolfe

"The exile is a man who carries his homeland with him, like a ghost in his heart." 

Czesław Miłosz

"Exile is strangely compelling to think about but terrible to experience. It is the unhealable rift forced between a human being and a native place..."

Edward W. Said

Wispy pink clouds move quickly across my morning sky. On hundreds of other days these phantoms of moisture and light would cheer me. In this moment, they leave me longing to be younger, to be in a different place, to be in a different world. My soul feels like it is carrying an almost unbearable burden.

Today my eyes opened to darkness. I woke up too early this morning. Despite repeated attempts, I could not get back to sleep. No matter how many times I fluffed and scrunched the pillows I could not get comfortable. So, I rose, made and ate my breakfast, did some mundane chores and sat down to type.

After yesterday’s election my heart, my soul, my very essence feels sodden and gray. I have no real hope that writing will lift my spirits out of this dark funk. Perhaps, however, these paragraphs I am drafting will focus my mind on the next steps I need to take. Maybe if I act on those next steps they will move me back toward a lighter spirit, a lighter soul. Maybe.

Yesterday, despite my vote, and many other voters' votes, Donald J. Trump was elected to a second term as President. Donald Trump lacks any sense of public responsibility. He never was, and he never will be, a President for all Americans. During his last term, he served the powerful elites first and foremost. He was a President for those who believe that a lack of wealth results from the moral failings of the impoverished. His election will almost certainly lead to continued policies prioritizing economic deregulation, closer relations with despots, and tax cuts for the wealthy. I can only shake my head as I contemplate how we got to this moment.

Trump’s upcoming actions will not be without cost to the vast majority of the American people. Social welfare programs including Social Security and Medicare are in the crosshairs. Childhood nutrition programs too. Additionally, international relations will be affected by his focus on nationalism and unilateral decision-making. Trump will try to run America as an autocratic leader in the style of his apparent heroes Putin and Orban. The next four years will challenge virtually all of America’s democratic institutions.

Two and a quarter years ago I left America to live in the EU. At that time my choice to embark was mostly based on a sense of adventure. America was coming out of a pandemic that closed most everything. Covid 19 had locked me and everyone else down for almost two years. I retired less than two months before the pandemic hit with its walloping fist. I had plans. Those plans had to be put on hold. So, I was itching to go.  I had the bug. As soon as ‘normal’ began to return in earnest I packed my duffle and headed off.

While America was at the time I departed governed by a Democrat as President I cannot say that Trump’s years in office did not influence my decision to go. Watching his actions, I found them filled with self-interest, hatred of anyone not willing to kowtow to his views and insensitivity to the needs of large parts of the American population. The fact that he had ever been offered the reins of power left my faith in the people and institutions I trusted shaken. His role in the January 6th attack on the Capitol was the last straw. I needed to experience life elsewhere. 

Living abroad has given me a new appreciation for different political systems. I've seen how Portugal, the country where I live prioritizes social welfare. It has reinforced my belief in the importance of social welfare programs. Portugal doesn’t get everything right, it is not heaven on earth. A socialist system is not the ultimate panacea. I can see now both the strengths and weaknesses of the American system. On balance right now though this is the better place to be. People in Portugal remember life under the fascists and do not want to go back. 50 years has not erased the memories of harsh rule from above and of the disappearances of those who dared to challenge that rule.

I was tentative about moving to the EU. I left my children in my US home. Thus, I had a place to live if I returned to the States. I always felt that if I ever felt that I was so out of place in Portugal that it was no longer tolerable (that it was no longer fun) I would just hop on a flight back. I came to Portugal mostly for adventure. My adventure has now evolved into an exile that was not caused by my own culpability.

Trump and his policies epitomize everything I despise. I ruminated on what to call his governance philosophy. Should I say he embraces social Darwinism? Should I say it is a kleptocracy he wants to promote? Neither of these captures it. Trump's governance system is more like Marrakech's market. It is a place where the rich are given favored positions without question. It is a space where bribes and favors rule the day and are expected. It is a location where in unnecessarily crowded corridors and stalls pickpockets and scam artists are free to ply their dishonesty. It is also a location where the weak, the sick, the different are pushed to the margins to beg for charity's scraps. Trump is not a ‘We the People’ kind of guy. Trump does not know nor will he ever embrace the primacy of the electorate in a representative democracy.

I can't go back to America now. And who knows where I will be in four years or if I will even 'be'. My "exile" will be a complex experience. Obviously there is freedom in being a long way away from Trumpism and all the madness that it entails. But there is also sadness and longing being away from my roots and loved ones. This self-imposed exile has and will continue to have many serendipitous joys. But, it also carries a persistent heartache for those I love who will have to live under Trump’s regime. I hope to achieve a balance between the two. Ultimately, I hope to continue to find quiet joys in my exile, while finding a meaningful way to fight against Trumpism. America you are the ghost in my heart.