Grace Notes Late at Night

 

Grace notes – 1: a musical note added as an ornament especially : appoggiatura.

2 : a small addition or embellishment.

 

A small addition or embellishment…that second definition doesn’t quite capture how we use the phrase in non-musical parlance. A grace note in our lives is something lovely, but not a major theme of our existence. A grace note could be joy discovered serendipitously. Or it could be something that was bound to happen, but was beautiful in its occurrence. If you think about it I am sure you can come up with a wide array of grace notes populating small spaces in your life. For me a night spent in some cottages on the north side of Prince Edward Island, the Blue Crest Cottages to be exact, drinking a beer on a late August's chilly night while watching the northern lights is a perfect example of a grace note. 

So many nights in these recent years I have found myself at 2 in the morning contemplating the, "What should I have done?"s. I have played out the 'I really screwed that up's, and the 'I can’t make it right's of my life. There is almost always a great deal of reflection, (I guess that is the best term), I do before eventually drifting off to sleep. Intellectually I know the past is the past and it cannot be changed but sometimes I wish it could. Yeah, I know it is pointless allowing such thoughts to steal the hours I should sleep from me, but I can’t help it.

I think my parents hard wired my guilt, second guessing, and my near constant angst into my soul. Okay maybe it was them in conjunction with the Baptist church. Remember kids the part that burns most in hell is the part you sin with. At this point we stop and fan our nethers. Between the need to achieve and the fear of doing the wrong thing, my head just got so damn weird. Years of living have added only more crossed wires and smoking junction boxes.

When I first retired I had about two years where I fell asleep immediately.  The stresses from work retreated and the vacuum they left in my psyche was so large. When my head hit the pillow I was drawn deep down into the dark abyss of dreamless sleep. But with plotting the move to Portugal and making decisions about stuff back in Michigan the angsty second guessing and night nerves returned. Don’t get me wrong the move was a good move, but there were so many moving pieces that it tripped the old switch releasing doubts and angst about almost every decision I have ever made.

The other night as I waited for sleep to come I thought of a moment I had not thought of in years. I was in my dorm room during late fall 1977.  It was just turning five in the evening. As I stood there looking out the leaded panes of my window to the west the light through the trees was a beautiful amber color. The bells of the nearby People’s Church began to strike the hour. My room's radiator clanged as if it was thinking about supplying some heat, something it never did. Music drifted down the hall, something very mellow and mellifluous. For a moment, a small moment I was empty of all doubt and angst. I was happy and at peace. I felt at ease in the universe. A grace note in my life's symphony, that is what that particular moment was.

The duration of the moment I was remembering lasted maybe a minute but certainly not two. As the chimes stopped I turned, closed the door, and headed down to the scrum of the dinner line in the cafeteria. As brief as it was, that moment was a real grace note in my life. When I focused on that moment, taken out of context of all the college dorm drama (and God was there drama), I realized pondering all the what ifs, and why did I dos, didn’t matter. I have had a good life so far.Yeah it has been, and remains, an enjoyable run. And as my mind bounced around looking for more grace notes, those small moments of joy, sleep came quickly.

Your transition to sleep from the waking hours may not be as troubled as mine. You may have few or no regrets. Still, there are times when we all lose focus, when we struggle with the nonsense that surrounds us. When those uneasy moments overtake you look for the grace notes you have accumulated over your life's span. These collected moments of joy and beauty remind us of the importance of living in the moment and being accepting of life's wonder. Cherish your grace notes.